Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
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Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?