I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
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i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Hard not to take this personally
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”