Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
You Might Also Like
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies