hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL