It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
You Might Also Like
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I think I’ll stand
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.