[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
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Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good