[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
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Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything