If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
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Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Cake!!
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely