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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months