[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
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Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Yoga Matt
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.