I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
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My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me: