You Might Also Like
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Hitlers gonna hitl
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.