I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs