Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
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MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
same bro
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”