“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.