i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
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HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can鈥檛 think of a single pun. Canoe?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they鈥檇
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I鈥檓 still dicing onions.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
St. Patrick鈥檚 Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That鈥檚 a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I鈥檓 Scottish so when people don鈥檛 like my tweets I just assume it鈥檚 because they can鈥檛 understand my accent
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 馃憖
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it鈥檚 when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let鈥檚 watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I鈥檝e been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they鈥檒l do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes