Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats