Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
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[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?