Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
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37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.