Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
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Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I’d love this…lol
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.