Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
You Might Also Like
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
when there are deer in the woods
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.