Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster: