I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
You Might Also Like
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Happy Febuary everyone!
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.