‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
You Might Also Like
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*