[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
You Might Also Like
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish