WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
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Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
best review i’ve ever seen
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away