I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
me working on my assignments ^-^