“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
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Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
no
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
January has been Januweary
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am