Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe