Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Venn
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.