They’re stuck in your pants?
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Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Doormats are a gateway rug.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself