Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
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Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.