Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
HELP 😭
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control