[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
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Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Come back with a warrant
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!