Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.