My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
this has to be peak English
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
When I laugh on my period
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I’ve been learning to cook.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins