One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You Might Also Like
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.