Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
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A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Support your local cemetery
oh u like history? name everything that happened
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
These are my roll models.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Twitter is an abusement park.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you