subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off