Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
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*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
This is my emotional support knife.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.