I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”