call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.