FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
we’re gonna need another temp
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator