Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Pizza is an emotion right?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
me and the Superbowl rn