when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
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[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.