Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You Might Also Like
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.