me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
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My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
hi why am I like this
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint