My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
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Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
How funny!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.