If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
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I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.