Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
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Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password